3 Reasons People Lash Out at Real Estate Agents—and What to Do About It

by Laurie Gilmore

Every day on every deal we are working in high-pressure situations, in which people’s hopes and dreams are on the line.

Most of our conversations are tough conversations.

Our clients are often in the midst of a major life transition, and our colleagues are panicking about making a living. Emotions are running high.

It’s a given that people are going to lash out.

When we’re being attacked, our knee jerk response is to blame and criticize the other person. 

“This person is a jerk.” 

“He’s aggressive.” 

“She’s a terrible agent.” 

“They’re completely unreasonable.”

We tend to paint with a pretty wide brush.

In reality, the reason for an attack tends to fall in one of these 3 categories:

You are not listening

The other person is under extreme pressure

They are manipulating you

The order of this list is intentional—from most to least likely. The vast majority of attacks will fall into one of the first two categories, so let’s look at why this happens and what to do about it.

1️⃣ You are not listening.

First, look at yourself. 

Have you really been listening to this person? Really listening? Employing Empathetic Listening?

That’s the deep listening that allows you to gather an understanding of their hopes, dreams, worries, and fears, as well as their logic and reasoning—why their actions and decisions make sense to them.

If you feel that you have been listening, have you articulated back to them what you’ve heard? Have you clearly demonstrated your understanding of their perspective?

What have you failed to hear? What have you failed to articulate?

Chances are you missed something. Slow down. Listen more closely.

It might be time for this go-to label: “I’m sorry. It seems like I’ve failed to be sensitive to something that’s very important to you.”

Remember that there can be valuable information—and valuable opportunities—hidden inside an attack. If you can put aside your ego and your fear and remain curious enough to find out what is motivating the attack, you may dig up some treasure.

Use the attack as an opportunity to use your tools: Labels, Mirrors, and Dynamic Silence. You may unearth some Black Swans. 

2️⃣ They are under extreme pressure.

Remember the concept of emptying your bucket? You have to recognize and unload all your negative emotions before you enter a sensitive conversation.

That includes things related to the deal at hand and the person you’re encountering: I need this deal. This agent is so difficult. They’re going to blow up this deal. They’re going to blame me.

It also includes things that go much deeper: I’m headed for financial crisis. Why did I choose this profession? Once again I’m failing to provide for my family. My father told me I’d never succeed.

And it’s the things that come from being a human: I’m so hungry right now. It’s so loud in this office, I can’t think. Why did I wear these pants, they don’t even fit? Why would someone put tuna fish in a microwave in a public space?

Now think of this in terms of the other person.

They have a bucket too, and they didn’t empty it. The moment you bump it, their negative emotions spill all over you.

Those emotions may or may not have anything to do with you. Maybe they’re under financial pressure or time pressure. Maybe they don’t want to be doing this deal but feel they have to. Maybe someone or something else in their life is creating stress. All of those things might lead them to lash out at you. 

They’re not going to just tell you any of this. It’s like an iceberg—there’s so much more below the surface than above. Your job is to discover and articulate what’s going on beneath the surface.

That’s the only way to defuse the negative and move the conversation forward—by making them feel understood.

Let’s look at this in terms of working with our colleagues.

On the surface, there might be deal-related issues. We can make situationally appropriate intelligent guesses about what those might be, then use Labels to confirm or correct those guesses:

“Sounds like your client is making your life very difficult.”

“Seems like my client’s offer is putting you in a very difficult position.”

“You’re probably wishing I never brought you this buyer.”

What lurks far below the surface, beyond the deal, we can only imagine. You may touch on what’s driving their feelings with something like:

“You must be under a huge amount of pressure.”

Consider this—if you’re reading this email, you’re probably in a much better place mentally than the average agent. You’ve at least begun to understand that how you do business is much more important than how much business you do. You understand the danger of chasing and the power of playing the long game.

Your counterpart, on the other hand, is probably deep in a scarcity mindset. The failure rate in our industry is incredibly high, and the bar to entry is incredibly low. That breeds a kind of desperation, stress, and lack of confidence that leads them to lash out whenever they feel a deal is under threat.

You can’t change that, but you can use Tactical Empathy to make them feel understood and defuse their negative emotions. You do your part—approach with empathy first.

3️⃣ They are manipulating you.

This is the least likely scenario, people do sometimes use their anger, disappointment, and other negative emotions to bully or guilt you into doing what they want. If they’re doing it, this tactic has probably worked for them in the past, with you or someone else—maybe everyone in their lives.

Before you jump to the conclusion that this is what’s happening, make sure you do the work to eliminate the first two motivations for the attack. Check that you’ve been listening closely and articulating your understanding back to them. Check that you’ve attempted to uncover and recognize their pressures, fears, and whatever else might be in their bucket. 

If you’ve done all that and they’re still lashing out at you, they may be trying to manipulate you.

What to do in that situation?

Stay tuned to find out next week.