7 Ways Tactical Empathy Goes Wrong—And How to Fix Them

by Laurie Gilmore

Last week we talked about practicing Tactical Empathy every day with everyone in your life.

The more you practice the more you will benefit. 

All on your own, you can grow your practice, improving little by little every single day.

But being a part of the Performance Coaching community means you can accelerate your progress by sharing your experience with other agents who are on the same path. 

Sharing your successes and your challenges. Listening to the breakthroughs and the stumbling blocks that other agents have encountered. Learning from each other. Trusting and supporting each other….all with agents who are working every day to get better at how they do business.

That’s what I’m seeing in our Small Group Coaching and in my Tactical Empathy Bootcamp. I see agents hard at work, sincerely focused on mastering this mode of communication. And I see where they tend to get stuck. 

So, today, I want to share with you some common pitfalls agents are experiencing.

❌ Surface Labeling

I love a good Label. 

It’s an extraordinarily powerful skill. It reinforces a positive. It defuses a negative. When you get underneath the words to the underlying dynamics and you really make someone feel understood by Labeling their motivations, you create a bond with the other person. It’s beautiful. Labels work well on all Negotiator Personality Types and they fit almost all situations. 

Where I see agents failing is in staying on the surface. 

Labeling the surface words. Parroting back what has been said. There is not much to gain from that. In fact, it can be really irritating to the other side.

So, if someone has said, “I’m done with city living. I finally want to live near the water.” 

You don’t want to give Labels like: “It seems like you’re open to moving out of the city.” Or “It sounds like you’re interested in finding a property next to the water.”  There you’re just labeling the surface words.

Instead, Label the LATENT dynamic—what they haven’t said explicitly. 

“It sounds like you’re ready to embark on a completely different lifestyle.”  

“Seems like you’ve been craving more of a connection to nature.” 

This shows you didn’t just hear them—you UNDERSTOOD where they were coming from.

❌ Over-Labeling

Surface Labeling seems to be connected to the problem of over-Labeling—i.e. using too many Labels. When agents are stuck, they tend to parrot back what has been said, and they tend to stay on the surface words. (Note: this is very different from strategically using a Mirror.) 

This goes back to Emptying Your Bucket. It’s imperative that you clear your own mind before these conversations, so that you can listen deeply to the other person and pull out the essential motivations beneath their words. 

Limit yourself to meaningful, impactful labels that make real progress in demonstrating understanding. Don’t waste the skill, spinning your wheels in over-labeling auto-pilot.

Another thing to be mindful of is: Why are you Labeling? Who are you doing it for? 

If you are truly Labeling with the goal of making the other person feel understood, then it should be clear to you that when you get a “That’s right” it’s time to stop. Mission accomplished. You’ve made them feel understood. 

If you are Labeling to get what you want, that tends to manifest in agents continuing to Label and Label after the client has said, “That’s right.” What's usually happening there is that the agent is trying to use Labels to change the other person’s mind. 

Take stock. Assess your motivations. Focus on the other person to determine what skill THEY need you to use.

☝️ A couple other notes on Labeling: 

Don’t use labels to deflect and evade at a time when you really should be delivering information. If someone is asking you direct questions and the situation requires you to provide specifics, get to the point. 

Remember the Negotiator Personality Type. Are you dealing with an Assertive? Keep those labels especially short and impactful. Dealing with an Accommodator, make sure your labels are getting into feelings, hope and relationships.

❌ Over-Accusations Auditing

Agents tend to have a hard time finding the balance between constructing a robust Accusations Audit delivering what the client actually needs. 

Yes, we want you preparing before a call. We want you Emptying your Bucket and Crossing the Street, so that you can think deeply about what the other person may be feeling about you or about the situation they’re in. We want you writing down around 20 of these points. 

But remember that, when you get on the phone, you are NOT performing a monologue. Especially when delivering bad news, you want to choose one, maybe two, impactful, appropriate Accusations Audits with which to prepare your client for the bad news you are going to deliver. 

Then deliver it, and listen closely to their response. You may find yourself using your other Accusations Audits, later in the conversation, as you label what the bad news brings up for them. You need all of those at your fingertips when they are needed. But don’t torture a person before delivering bad news. When you hear “OK, just tell me”, or “You’re starting to scare me” or “Just get to the point,” get to the point!

❌ Reluctance to Accept Truths You Don’t Like

If you get a “That’s right” to something you didn’t expect, to something negative, to an Accusations Audit…

ACCEPT it. 

That’s how the other person feels. You’ve acknowledged it. They’ve confirmed it. Don’t keep pelting them with Labels thinking you’re going to change how they feel. Find out what they need from you and then find out how they’d like to proceed.

❌ Under-Preparing for Sensitive Conversations

In Bootcamp, every week, agents are required to submit a journal entry of the type described last week. One thing I’ve noticed in these journal entries is that people are not preparing prior to calls, even when they have set the time for the call and there is plenty of time for them to do the prep work. They’re getting on the call and winging it. 

WHY? 

I also see in those journal entries, when they’re writing down the answer to: “If you could do it over again, what would you do differently?” that they are able to write down exactly what they should have done. They knew better. They just didn’t prepare. 

Talk about a waste of time, opportunity, and the work you’re doing to learn these skills! Do the work up front to prepare yourself. That’s the road to success. 

I’ll remind you that all of the masters of Tactical Empathy—the coaches here, the coaches over at Black Swan—would NEVER get on a call without preparing first. Preparation is for masters!!

❌ Failing to Lead with Tactical Empathy

Another thing I’m consistently seeing via the Bootcamp journal entries is the failure to LEAD with Tactical Empathy. Remember that sequence is key. I’ve mentioned this more times that I can count, and it is the title of this blog: EMPATHY FIRST. 

Agents seem to panic right out of the gate. Nerves have them reverting to old practices, and diving in with pitching and explaining rather than inviting the other person to speak first. 

Rule #1: ALWAYS invite the other person to speak first. 

It removes you as a threat, it establishes rapport and it clears their mind. Why would you choose to sacrifice those massive benefits? Tactical Empathy from the very first moment of contact sets you up perfectly to make someone feel understood and build trust. You make it much harder on yourself by forging on in the ‘old way’ and waiting to see if Tactical Empathy is “needed.” 

Get that thought out of your head. As I said last week, when people ask us, “When is the right moment to use Tactical Empathy?” the answer is: “Always, with everyone, in every situation, in every moment.” There is no situation, no relationship that can’t be improved with the use of Tactical Empathy. If you’re holding the skills back to use as corrective measures, you’re leaving 90% of the effectiveness on the table.

❌ Fear

And then there’s good old-fashioned fear. Fear around using these skills. Fear around letting go of the old way of pitching and chasing and convincing. Fear of being genuinely present and fully open to whatever the other person is thinking and feeling. 

Solving that is an inside job. Go back and read Steve’s blog from last Sunday. Mindset. Mindset. Mindset. Let go of the outcome. Move from Fear to Curiosity. Give your highest and best to the moment in front of you… 

And to the person in front of you!