Want to Keep the Peace at Thanksgiving? Remember These 4 Skills

by Laurie Gilmore

Happy Thanksgiving, {{ first_name}}! 🦃

I’m in your inbox early this week to prepare you for all of the sides that come along with the turkey.

No, not the cranberry, stuffing, and potatoes…

The opinions, judgment, and conflict.

In fact, I’ve been preparing you for the past 2 weeks by sharing why people attack, and which Tactical Empathy tools to reach for when they do.

Well, they’re not just for your clients and fellow agents.

Uncle Ralph and Aunt Becky are coming to Thanksgiving dinner this year, and you know what that means—you’re about to get an earful of unsolicited advice around your questionable life choices.

And they’re bringing their son, Greg, whose loudly vocalized politics make you forget that you ever heard the word “empathy.”

How can you respond when you’re feeling judged? And how can you pivot when you’re feeling that you want to judge?

Let’s set this year’s Thanksgiving table with your Tactical Empathy skills. Here are a few key concepts to keep in mind.

1️⃣ Remember what Tactical Empathy is.

It’s the practice of influencing others by articulating what they’re thinking and feeling WITHOUT necessarily agreeing, disagreeing, or sympathizing.

In other words, it’s the art and science of making people feel understood. You’re making them feel understood by acknowledging what they’re thinking and feeling.

Acknowledgement does NOT equal agreement.

Think about that.

There’s great freedom in that.

You do not have to agree with Uncle Ralph when he tells you that you should have stayed in medical school.

You do not have to sympathize with cousin Greg for his choice of candidate.

You don’t have to share Aunt Becky’s feelings about child rearing.

You do not have to hold an opinion of any kind about Greg’s 20-year residence in Ralph and Becky’s basement.

There’s no part of this that involves any one of you being “right” or “wrong.”

2️⃣ Shift from Fear to Curiosity.

Instead of reacting with “OH MY GOD!! WHY DID SHE SAY THAT TO ME?!?!”

Shift to, “Hmm, I’m curious. I wonder what would make her think that?”

I’m sure you’re thinking, Easier said than done! How do I remain curious in the face of disagreement, judgment, and attacks?

It’s all in the preparation—the same preparation we talked about over the past two weeks. 

1) Empty your bucket. 

2) Cross the street. 

3) Construct an Accusations Audit.

You know the guest list, and it’s not your first family get-together. You can probably make some educated guesses as to what might come up.

And when Uncle Ralph walks in the door and greets you with a smug, “Well, I guess you’ll be looking for a new line of work now that you can’t charge those crazy fees anymore.”

You’ll be ready with a Label and a no-oriented question: “Sounds like you’ve read something about the NAR Settlement. I’m curious—would you be opposed to sharing with me what you’ve heard?”

Listen up, and just acknowledge what he has to say. 

No need to agree, disagree or debate. No need to show how smart you are, or to educate everyone on the nuances of your profession.

Watch out for your knee-jerk reactions upon receiving unsolicited advice, and move away from your own tendency to dish it out.

When Aunt Becky instructs you that your 2 year old should no longer be using a pacifier, you don’t have to advise her that her 39 year old should no longer be living in her basement.

Get curious. Why does she believe that? What are her thoughts about toddlers? Try out a Calibrated Question: “You have a lot of experience in this area. What seems like the best solution to you?”

You don’t have to follow her advice, so don’t be afraid to hear it.

By inviting her to share, you’re extending that Tactical Empathy olive branch. You’re establishing rapport, and you’re helping to clear her mind.

3️⃣ Shift from Problem Solving to Defusing Negative Emotions.

When Greg launches into a sociopolitical diatribe of questionable accuracy, don’t take the bait.

There’s no problem here for you to solve.

Pause.

Take a breath.

Maybe Label yourself in your head: “He is pushing my buttons right now.”

Then engage your Curiosity: “It sounds like this is extremely important to you.” Or maybe, “You seem really passionate about this.”

When faced with a particularly perilous topic, remember the elegant simplicity of the Mirror.

When you feel yourself at risk of sliding into a debate, when adding your own words to a discussion feels particularly risky, reach for the Mirror.

Send the other person’s words back to them, using a tone of genuine curiosity.

Remember that a Mirror is effective on all personality types. It creates a sense of connection. The other person will feel heard and understood.

And you won’t have contributed a single new thought to the conversation.

Again, no need to agree, disagree or debate.

4️⃣ Your tone of voice will produce an emotional response.

That’s true both for your counterpart and yourself. Keeping your voice calm and friendly will help keep everyone—including your own mind—calm and friendly.

Remember that old trick: just think, “I like you, and we will get through this together,” and your tone will follow.

If it works to get us through tough real estate negotiations, it can get you through this meal.

Empathy first! (And go back for seconds.)