What to Do—and NOT Do—When You’re Under Attack as a Real Estate Agent

by Laurie Gilmore

Last week, we dove into why people attack.

This week, let’s look at the concepts and tools to turn to when you experience an attack.

First, remember what we mentioned last week...

You will experience attacks. 

Accept that up front. We work in high-pressure situations in which hopes and dreams are on the line, and people are bound to lash out sometimes.

Prepare yourself for every interaction with a client or a colleague, so you’re less likely to be caught off-guard. Preparing means executing the supreme trio of pre-conversation steps:

1. Empty your bucket
2. Cross the street
3. Prepare your Accusations Audit

And always be mindful of the Negotiator Personality Type you’re dealing with, as well as your own type. Be mindful of what the other person values most: Assertives value respect, Accommodators value relationships, and Analysts value accuracy.

And don’t let yourself be caught off guard by your own instinctive, knee-jerk responses to conflict.

You may also find the skills and concepts below to be especially useful…

➡️ The Shift from Fear to Curiosity

Let’s start off with the crucial 2mm shift of moving from Fear to Curiosity. It’s important for a number of reasons…

When you are feeling attacked, curiosity will help you determine whether or not you are actually being attacked.

If you are being attacked, curiosity is the key to determining what is going on with the other person. What is their motivation for attacking?

And coming from a mindset of curiosity will keep your ego in check and prevent you from reacting in a way that escalates the attack.

Lean on your curiosity to guide you.

➡️  Is it an Objection or Is it a Question?

If you enter the conversation with a mindset of curiosity, you will be able to distinguish a question or an observation from an objection.

If you are tapped into your fear, you will hear every question or observation as an objection.

You will feel it as push-back.

You’ll feel that you are being challenged.

You’ll feel that you are being attacked.

But if you are tapped into your curiosity, you will be able to hear every question as a question, and to respect every observation as an observation.

You’ll be able to hear what is truly being asked, take in what the person is pointing out to you, and respond from a place of empathy rather than defensiveness.

➡️  Awareness of Tone

Your tone of voice will induce an emotional reaction in the listener.

When you are the listener, it’s important to have an awareness of how the other person’s tone is affecting YOU. What emotional response are you having to the person’s tone—as opposed to their words?

Remember that the Assertive tone is always counterproductive. It sounds aggressive. It feels aggressive.

If someone is using an Assertive tone with you, it will activate your primitive fight or flight response. The tone will hi-jack your brain. You won’t be able to listen and think critically.  

So when you hear this tone, pause. Take a few seconds to run the person’s words back through your mind without the tone, so that you can hear what they’re really saying. Think about those words coming from a place of curiosity.

Then respond—still coming from a place of curiosity—with a Mirror, a Label, a Calibrated Question.

If you take away the tone and come from a place of curiosity, your ability to distinguish between questions and objections will rise dramatically, and you’ll find that you experience far fewer instances of feeling attacked.

And remember this: you are 6x more likely to collaborate productively with someone you like. So no matter how much you want to hate this person, like them in your head, in the moment. Actually think to yourself, “I like you, and we will get through this together,” and your voice will follow.

Your calm, friendly tone will have an emotional effect on them, and you may be able to defuse a bomb. 

➡️  Self-Labeling

When you are being attacked, Label yourself. Actually say to yourself, internally, what you’re feeling. A label will defuse negative emotions even in your own head.

“This guy is infuriating me.”

“This person is pushing my buttons right now.”

“I am about to blow.”

Science tells us that this has the same defusing effect on negative emotions as labeling someone else does…so help yourself out.

➡️  Dynamic Silence

Dynamic Silence can be very useful in dissipating an attack. A few seconds of silence can help the other person’s emotions settle. They may even figure out for themselves that what they’ve just said or done was inappropriate.

If you’re feeling like you’re about to blow up the conversation, or you have had no luck in letting the air out of the other person’s attack, don’t risk making it worse.

Take a pause.

You can ask, “Would you be opposed to picking this conversation up again at X time?”

➡️  Apology

A good old-fashioned apology can go a long way. In order to productively move a conversation forward after an attack, you must be willing to show deference.

Don’t let your ego get the best of you. A simple “I’m sorry” followed by a Label or a Calibrated Question can help you move forward:

“I’m sorry, it sounds like I’ve made this worse for you. 

It seems like there are some things you need from me in order for us to move forward productively.”

At the very least, an apology will slow the other person down and get them listening.

 ➡️  Framework as Guardrail

We talk about Frameworks as guardrails that keep you on task. They keep you focused on the other person and on what needs to be achieved in the conversation.

Sometimes, a sensitive conversation can feel like being stuck in a roundabout—you know, the ones with six different exits, and you can’t figure out which one to use, so you just go around again….and again. 

If you get to the point in a conversation where you’re Labeling and Labeling and there’s no new information, you’re just stuck in that roundabout, and the Frameworks help you find the off-ramp.

It’s usually a Calibrated Question like:

“How would you like to proceed?”

For example, let’s say your seller is furious about a low-ball offer. You’ve labeled them. You’ve even gotten a “that’s right,” but they keep ranting. 

It is your job to move it forward. That may sound something like:

“I know you’re extremely uncomfortable with this.

It sounds like you'd prefer to not sell the property rather than accept or counter this offer.

How would you like to proceed?”

➡️  When is it okay to lash out?

The answer is going to be very disappointing.

NEVER.

It is never okay to lash out. Not even when you’re 100% in the right and the other person is 100% in the wrong.

Anger is entitlement. When you feel anger, it’s because you feel that you are entitled to something. Something else. Something better. Something YOU had planned on having.

Stop.

Consider…what is it that I feel I’m entitled to? Why do I feel that?

Reach for that golden 2mm Shift: Controlling to Letting Go. Let go of the outcome. Let go of your ego. It’s not about you.

Getting to the point where you can let go of your righteous indignation—no matter how righteous you may be—is where you will finally find peace.

(Or so I’ve heard. I’m still working on it.)

Don’t let your own emotions hi-jack your behavior.

It is always counterproductive. Instead, reach for the powerful tools in your Tactical Empathy toolbox.

Empathy first, last, and always!